so much closer

Well…it’s official now, Tim and I broke up. It’s very hard to deal with all the emotions of this, especially being in the apartment that we were living in together just two days. 

My heart hurts, a lot in fact. And I write on here only because I don’t want to be the dumb girl on facebook pouring her heart out to the world who actually knows her. So if you don’t like my rants and rages, better stop reading now.

A year and a half of seriously the best relationship I have ever been. Mutual love and respect, commitment, honesty….everything you could ever ask for in a relationship. I spent two weeks with him back in Wisconsin for Christmas - met the whole group of friends and family and everyone he could possibly introduce me to. We get back, things are great and then one day he says he’s not in love with me. We give it four weeks to try and work things out and his “reason” is because he’s not attracted to me anymore. Ouch. I mean, really? Did he have to say that? Was it necessary? Oh, and the best part is right before he says he’s not attracted to me….he tells me how I’m gorgeous, smart, funny - everything a guy could ever want in a girl - ok…

We were talking about marriage two months ago - how the hell does someone go from being head over heels to not in so little time?

My heart is breaking and my head hurts from crying and thinking of him way too much. And of course naturally I want to think of all my faults and reasons as to why he would be feeling that way? But instead I’d like to believe that it’s him, he can’t commit, and he will never find a love better than what we had. (So cliche haha - whatevs). 

Overall I must say that I am quite excited to get out of this apartment on Thursday and into a new environment that doesn’t have a thousand memories of him following me everywhere. 

Fuck. Love sucks. I thought I finally found my soul-mate.

My life is falling apart.

The man of my dreams and who I thought was my soulmate (and he said I was mine) is telling me that he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me and not sure if he wants to try and re-kindle that love. 

How heart-breaking is that? I can’t even describe it. 

We are currently on a break…..although I don’t know why….I’d almost rather have him call and break up with me, rather than wait a week to tell me what he knows now. 

I just don’t understand….the other day he was poking fun of old married couples and saying that’s how we’re gonna be. Wtf. 

Love is such a mystery. 

I wish…

that we didn’t have to go through so many people to find the love of our lives. I hate the history of ex-boyfriends and the fact that the guy I’m with now has a history of ex-girlfriends. Normally it doesn’t bother me, but today it’s really bothering me. I wish we could just meet the person were supposed to be with from day one and say seeeeya to all that shitty history. 

New Years Resolutions

1. Write in a journal everyday, even if it’s just a sentence, for 365 days. 

2. Buy a car.

3. Manage my money better; prepare a budget.

4. Find out what’s wrong with my lungs/heart; hopefully get an inhaler; start running.

5. Work out for an hour at least 3 times per week.

6. Go to church at least 2 times per month.

7. Use less swear words.

8. Climb a 5-11.

9. Abandon grudges and love unconditionally. 

10. Stay in touch with family and friends better; send cards for birthdays and holidays. 

11. Use my sewing machine that Tim bought for me last Christmas.

12. Maintain a GPA of 3.5 or higher.

13. Complain less. 

There’s so much more, but these are my priorities.

Life is short and I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to be the best that I can be and to help others do the same.

Cheers to 2012, I can’t wait to see what happens. :) 

My heart is overflowing with peace and joy right now. SO blessed to be a Christian and believe in what I do. I couldn’t get through the days without the love of my God.